Indignities of the Undead
by Loads of Randomness
Summary: Silly little Halloween fic. All Emily wanted to know why Vampire mythology had a thing against Italians. It sort of spiralled from there. Because, of course it did.
1. Vampires

"Is there a reason why you're staring so intently at Rossi's office?" JJ asked her dark-haired friend, passing her coffee to her and perching on the edge of her desk.

"She's been doing it for the past seven minutes and forty-four seconds," Reid interjected, briefly looking up from the stack of cases he was reading.

"I'm staring _thoughtfully_, not intently," Emily corrected, taking an absent-minded sip of her drink and hissing at the temperature. "Thanks."

JJ cocked her head to one side and stared at the office as well.

"Is there something up with him?" she asked.

"He was cursing Strauss earlier," Reid supplied. "Something about reports and bureaucrats."

They all winced. It wasn't often that someone got Hotch to lose his composure but when he did and the team wasn't needed, it was best to just stay out of his way.

"We'll just leave him to it, then," JJ decided with a grimace.

"Back to why Emily's staring at his door," said Morgan, standing up from his desk and wandering over to Reid's to lean on.

"I'm just wondering what it would be like if Rossi was a vampire," Emily explained as of that was the most natural thing in the world.

That got her three sets of curious looks. Then Reid snorted and gave Emily a knowing look. Morgan and JJ looked confused.

"That would be a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions for him."

"Because that's totally a normal thing to think about," Morgan muttered at the same time, shaking his head.

Emily poked him and explained, "I just came to the realisation that whoever came up with vampires has a serious thing against Italians."

"I feel like I'm going to regret this, but why?" JJ asked, an amused expression on her face.

"Don't encourage her," said Morgan in exasperation.

Emily shrugged, "It's just that it seems like everything that vampires can't do or are seriously affected by are all anti-Italian rules."

"Anti-Italian, really, Emily?" asked JJ.

"Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Can't touch garlic or see themselves in a mirror-"

"Or touch crosses or go out in the sun," Reid continued eagerly, always loving a good discussion on Halloween related topics.

"So, wait a second here," said Morgan, rubbing a hand across his face. "Are you saying that whoever dreamt up vampires just had a thing against Italians?"

"Duh."

"Technically, our modern stereotype of an Italian is just that, modern. It wouldn't have existed when the tales of vampires were first spoken," said Reid. "The myth of the vampire is a conglomeration of centuries of folklore and literature. Some of it really bad."

He hadn't quite gotten over Twilight.

"Still Anti-Italian," Emily insisted. "Can you imagine that Rossi couldn't cook with garlic?"

"He'd be so annoyed," Morgan replied, smirking despite himself.

"What do you mean, I can't have garlic? Do you know where I'm from?" JJ mocked.

Reid quickly glanced up to make sure Rossi wasn't going to suddenly appear before smiling.  
"That's definitely something he would say. I say he'd still try using it?"

"And risk getting burnt?"

"It _is_ Rossi and garlic. You think big a vampire is going stop him putting it in his pasta dishes?"

"True."

"Wouldn't the main issue be the mirror thing? Have you ever seen Rossi walk by a mirror and _not_ check himself out in it?"

Morgan laughed at that. "Not being able to see himself in a mirror would be the worst," he agreed.

"Actually, that's not entirely true. The reason why vampires can't see their reflections in mirrors is because mirrors would typically use a thin layer of silver behind them to do the reflecting," Reid eagerly explained.

"So, because they can't touch silver, they couldn't see?" Emily verified.

"Yep, " Reid confirmed. "And mirrors don't exclusively use silver anymore. Plenty use aluminium.

"So, they wouldn't _always_ have issues seeing themselves? That would be even more annoying," exclaimed Morgan.

"I don't know where or not we should be disturbed that you just referred to vampires in the present tense," said JJ, eyeing her best friend suspiciously.

"There's no proof saying that there's no vampires," said Reid.

"I thought you were a 'Man of Science'?" Morgan teased. "Doesn't that mean no werewolves or vampires?"

Reid shot him a dark look.

"All legends are based in some sort of truth," he replied huffily.

Emily shook her head; she knew Reid still loved believing in magic and the supernatural.

He'd managed to keep that childlike wonder about them.

"I'm just trying to think how he'd survive," said Emily. "So far, it's not looking too good."

"Can't go out in sunlight? How would he meet all of his fans?" Morgan joked.

"I don't think he'd mind that at times," JJ said thoughtfully, remembering Rossi complaining about his agent scheduling too many meet-ups. "He prefers the inside ones anyway."

"It wouldn't affect him as much," Emily agreed.

"What about the whole thing with crucifixes? A Catholic vampire? How would that work?" Morgan pointed out

"There's an oxymoron," Morgan laughed.

"Technically, a vampire can turn anyone he wants to," Reid pointed out. "Catholics included."

"That would be more of a problem in Italy," said Emily, after giving the point some thought and shuddered. "Crucifixes everywhere."

"Vampires can't go near the things, right?" checked Morgan.

"It was a common thought that vampires were agents of Satan therefore they fear religious symbols," Reid elaborated.

"So, technically, they could go near them? It would just be creepy as hell for them?"

"I don't think Rossi likes crucifixes that much," JJ told Morgan.

"There's loads in those paintings of his," Morgan protested.

"Do they count as religious symbols?"

They both looked at Reid.

"Technically?"

They shook their heads and returned to the discussion.

"Does holy water affect vampires? Because I'd love to see him try and explain that to a priest," Emily said excitedly.

"I don't think vampires can go into churches... the whole crucifix thing, remember?" JJ reminded her.

"Oh, yeah," Emily replied, deflating slightly.

"You do realise that Rossi's not actually a vampire, right?" said Reid.

That got them all laughing, their discussion had been so intense that that little fact had actually slipped their mind.

"What got all you kids interested?" the man himself asked, emerging from his office.

They all exchanged questioning looks. Morgan none-to-subtlety elbowed Emily.

"About how you'd deal with being a vampire," she explained.

Rossi blinked are her and then gave them all a strange look. Deciding that he most definitely did _not_ want to know the details of that particular conversation but having his own suspicions (they weren't exactly _quiet_), he kept it short and brief.

"It would be a nightmare," he informed them and went to look for Hotch for some adult conversation. Vampires. Honestly. This lot got weirder by the day.

Laughter erupted from behind him and he rolled his eyes. _These_ were the BAU'S finest? He couldn't help but shudder though. A life without garlic was just a life not worth living.


	2. Zombies

**AN: This was meant to be a Halloween oneshot but the characters got away from me. Here's some more ghoulish nonsense.**

"Being a vampire wouldn't bother Pretty Boy here," said Morgan with a grin, digging Reid in the ribs. "Can't go outside, don't have to eat and you love forever. Plenty of time to read all the books you want."

"You're even pale enough," Emily teased.

Reid pulled a face and told her, "You're far paler than me and I wouldn't be able to drink coffee so being a vampire definitely wouldn't suit me."

He didn't think that blood would be quite the same thing or give him the same type of hit that caffeine did.

"But all that reading time," Morgan pointed out.

"I'd eventually run out of books to read and would just be waiting around. At least currently there are plenty of books I haven't read."

Morgan couldn't help it, he chuckled at that. Trust Reid's problem to be about not having enough books and not about, well, being dead.

"And have to watch all I love and care for eventually die as I go on?" he added with a scrunched-up nose and a head shake. "No thank you," he said with a shudder.

Everyone fell silent, not having even thought of that option. It really was a horrific thing to contemplate, slowly watching everyone leave you and knowing that you were the only one left who knew of them. No one to share in the experiences you had together. Only long and empty loneliness looming ahead of you.

"But can you imagine if Pretty Boy here was a zombie?" Derek piped up, breaking the silence - determined to lighten the mood and tease Reid about _something_.

Everyone turned to look at Reid critically almost simultaneously. He shifted self-consciously in his seat.

"I can't see it," JJ said with a head shake.

"What's that about Reid being a zombie?" Rossi asked, having returned from trying to track down Hotch. The poor man was in a meeting with Strauss and there was _no way_ he was interrupting that. "Did the coffee machine break again? I thought the rule was if that happened, we break out the emergency Reid stash?"

Reid pouted as all his co-workers laughed at him. It wasn't his fault that he needed to basically mainline coffee. His brain _required_ it. Though, it was nice that his friends were looking out for him, he supposed. Even if it _was_ to save their own sanity. He used to have his own emergency stash in his desk but JJ confiscated it when she saw him take eight cups in one slow day simply because of how handy it was. Now, it resided in her office and he had to ask for it.

"Nothing," Reid said firmly.

Rossi eyeballed the youngest agent.

"You don't _seem_ to be zombie-like."

Reid huffed irritably and crossed his arms.

"We weren't saying he was like a zombie," JJ said hurriedly, trying to diffuse the tension. "We were, well, uh-"

"Talking about what Reid would be like as a zombie," Emily said smoothly over JJs stuttered trailing off.

"He'd be moaning for books instead of brains," Rossi answered quickly with a smirk.  
Reid's lower lip poked out.

"Nuh uh," disagreed Morgan. "He'd still be all for the brains."

"Why the hell would the kid need more brains?" Rossi retorted. "Even as a brain-damaged zombie he'd still have more brains than most of us here."

"Most of us?" Emily demanded.

"Well, yes," Rossi answered impatiently.

"Who would be smarter than an intelligent Reid-zombie?"

"Are you calling us dumb?" JJ asked, her voice _sounding_ mild but everyone knew what that underlying tone meant. It said "_watch it_".

"Reid-zombie," Morgan chuckled but folded his arms and raised an eyebrow questioningly at the older agent.

Even Reid looked vaguely amused at Rossi's predicament on top of feeling happy that Rossi thought that he wouldn't eat brains.

"Me, obviously," Rossi patiently answered Emily before turning to JJ, "and of course not. You're all very intelligent. You just don't have a patch on boy-genius."

"We already knew that," Emily said dismissively. "But you do even if he _is_ a zombie?"

"Yes."

Before Emily could retaliate against Rossi (either verbally or physically, no one really wanted to risk either), Morgan spoke up.

"Still doesn't explain why Pretty Boy wouldn't eat brains," Morgan argued.

"Zombies eat brains because they can't use theirs anymore for whatever reason, right?" Rossi asked somewhat impatiently.

He gave Reid an expectant look who nodded slowly and opened his mouth to explain and probably give them the history of zombies. Rossi held up a hand to stop him.

"Not now," he stated before turning back to Morgan. "See? He wouldn't _need_ brains because he'd probably be one of the only self-aware zombies. The kid will be wanting books not brains."

"Even as a zombie?" JJ asked disbelieving.

"Obviously."

"I can see that," Emily said thoughtfully, tapping her chin with a finger. "Makes a lot of sense actually."

"Exactly!" Rossi said triumphantly.

"I can't exactly see him be aggressive about it though," JJ decided to throw her two cents in.

"Yeah, zombies _eat_ brains. He'd just be eating the books which is pointless," Morgan added.

"Technically, zombies _consume_ brains of which a synonym is 'eating' so I could still be reading books because that's how you _consume_ them," Reid felt the need to point out.  
Morgan put his face in his hands and made an exasperated noise.

"He's got a point," said JJ, trying to hide her smile.

"Trust you to take it that way," Morgan grumbled good-naturedly. "I still say it would drive you crazy. All you'd want is to get to the next book, destroying all in your path to get to it."

"So, what your saying is that he'd basically be a more vicious and more destructive version of himself?" Emily asked in a teasing tone. "I can see it now, 'Zombie Genius on the Rampage for more Books'."

Said genius' bottom lip protruded even further as everyone laughed.


	3. All the Dead

**AN: Most, if not all, of the research for the undead creatures came from Wikipedia. Apologies for any inaccuracies.**

"Why are you even talking about vampires and zombies anyway?" Rossi asked, wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes.

They really shouldn't be laughing so much about mythical dead beings in a government federal building. Definitely wasn't a thing people should be overhearing. Especially from profilers. It sounded like they were talking about an extremely demented serial killer. Oh well, when had this team followed the rules? Good thing Aaron wasn't here, he'd probably put a stop to it with one of those disapproving looks of his. Spoilsport.

"Oh, we were talking about what 'undead beings' people would hate to be," Emily explained with a shrug as of it was a perfectly normally conversation point.

Rossi wanted to ask _so_ many questions but then he realised exactly who he was talking to and decided that he wanted to keep what remained of his sanity. Which, honestly, wasn't _a lot_ but goddammit he still wanted to keep it.

"Emily started it," Reid tattled, still pouting over the zombie remarks. "She said you'd make a horrible vampire."

Emily looked unapologetically unrepentant as she answered, "Basically, whoever came up with vampires had a thing against Italian men and Reid would hate being a vampire and a zombie."

"I never said I'd hate being a zombie," Reid interrupted.

"You didn't look too fly about it," said Morgan.

"Because you were all saying I'd either be eating brains or books," Reid told him with a frown. "If we went with my definition of 'consume' I'd be perfectly happy being a zombie."

"Of course, you would," was his muttered reply.

Rossi couldn't help but be amused at this and chuckled at the two of them.

"So, I'd make a horrible vampire and Reid would make a fantastic book-reading zombie," Rossi determined. "What about the rest of you? And are we only restricted to vampires and zombies? What about the other types of undead?"

"Technically, we determined that you couldn't stick being a vampire, not that you'd be a horrible one," Reid interjected.

"And what about us?" JJ asked warily, giving the older profiler a sidelong look.

"Are there even any other types of undead?" Morgan piped up, scratching the back of his head. "Can't they all be lumped into those two categories?"

"Technically, vampires and zombies come under one category, 'Living Corpses' along with ghouls, revenants, Loch and jiangshi to name a few," Reid lectured.

"That implies that there's at least one other category of undead," JJ commented, disbelievingly.

"There is!" Reid replied excitedly. "Though it really does depend on how you want to group them but the other category to the one I previously mentioned is 'Incorporeal Spirits' so; banshees, ghosts, polt-"

"So, there's a lot of types of undead," Morgan said succinctly.

Reid blinked.

"Well, yes."

"That's all we wanted to know, kid."

"Actually, you wanted to know what types of undead the rest of you would be," Reid corrected. "And you can't determine that unless you know all the possibilities."

"He's got you there, Morgan," JJ interjected, looking intrigued. "I didn't realise how many myths and legends were considered the undead..."

"It's an awful lot and that's just the ones that are culturally popular-"

Rossi held up a hand to stop to the seemingly endless stream of facts. He knew that he really shouldn't be so surprised that Reid knew so much about dead beings, he was a genius and obsessed about Hallowe'en after all, but he was. He couldn't help it; it was difficult to imagine how much Reid knew.

"Back to our discussion, people," Rossi chided gently. Then he frowned as he remembered something. "Wait, what's a 'Jiangshi'? Did I pronounce that right?"

Morgan and Emily groaned loudly while JJ looked on sympathetically, though the blonde did look interested in the answer as well.

"Don't encourage him," Morgan pleaded.

Reid's eyes lit up in anticipation of sharing knowledge to a slightly more willing audience.

"It's a type of reanimated corpse in Asian folklore," Reid began. "Jiangshi is its name in China. It's known as 'gangsi' in the Koreas, 'Phi Dip Chin' in Thailand and 'kyonshi' in Japan. Also, in China, it's known as the 'hopping zombie'."

"_Hopping_ zombie?" Emily asked disbelievingly, interested despite herself.

"Because it moves around by hopping with its arms outstretched."

"Really original there," Morgan mumbled, shaking his head. "Does it also eat brains?"

"Actually, it absorbs a person's 'chi' or, rather, their life force by sucking it out of them."

"Wicked," Emily breathed.

Everyone but Reid gave her a wary look, they still weren't used to some of Emily's oddities even after all these years.

"So, a vampire zombie," Morgan said, unimpressed. "What else? Does it sleep in a coffin?"

"It does!" Reid exclaimed, happy that someone seemingly knew what he was talking about.

Morgan just rolled his eyes again.

"Or in a cave," Reid added absent-mindedly. "It depends on which story you read but wherever it sleeps, it's always during the day. It does the chi sucking at night."

"Why is it always night?" JJ moaned, shivering at the thought of her 'life-force' being sucked away. It was more horrifying than getting the blood sucked out of you, for whatever reason.

"Spooky effect," Rossi spoke up before Reid could launch into a tangent. "Atmosphere. All these details are down to storytellers, right?"

He looked at the kid, who nodded eagerly.

"So?" Morgan asked belligerently.

"_So_, if you want to creep your audience out you don't set your story during the day. There's no shadows or unknowns about during the day," Rossi lectured on the finer points of storytelling. "Everything looms in the dark, more intimidating."

Morgan didn't look too impressed by this imparted knowledge if the raised eyebrow and folded arms was anything to go by. Rossi sighed, did no one appreciate the fine art of storytelling these days? JJ patted his shoulder reassuringly which slumped in resignation.

"Carry on, kid," Rossi told Reid with a wave of his hand.

May as well hear the rest of what this zombie ghost got up to. Reid probably wouldn't let them change the subject until he did anyway. He was practically vibrating in his seat for crying out loud!

"It's got greenish-white skin and white hair-"


	4. Vampires Again

They all fell silent as they absorbed all of the information Reid had just unloaded on them. It really was a lot. To be fair, this time it actually interested most of them in a creepy, ghoulie sort of way.

"I don't think any of us are a hopping zombie," Rossi determined. "Unless you withhold coffee from us."

"I always thought you'd be more of a banshee in that case," teased Emily. "What with what happened last time..."

Rossi shot her an unamused glare. It was _one_ time. One.

"Didn't you go storming down to Strauss and demand that they 'fix it'?" JJ recalled.

"It wasn't over having any coffee," he felt the urge to point out.

"That's even worse," said Morgan, not even trying to hide his smirk.

Rossi glared at him too.

"I think he had very good reason," said Reid quite seriously.

Morgan scoffed at him.

"Of course, you would."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"At least _somebody_ is backing me up," Rossi said loudly over the two bickering agents and giving JJ and Emily a pointed look.

Emily shrugged uncaringly.

"It's not like the new stuff was any better than the old slop."

"It was worse," Rossi stressed.

"There was a definite quality dip," Reid agreed, nodding his head.

"It's just office coffee," said Morgan with an eye roll. "Hardly something to get worked up over."

Both Rossi and Reid gasped their horror and gave Morgan a betrayed look. Emily and JJ sniggered at them.

"Definitely not worth interrupting that meeting of Strauss'," added Emily.

"She still hasn't changed it back," Rossi said petulantly.

"Probably out of spite," Emily said cheerfully.

Rossi gave her a disgruntled look and turned to look at Reid.

"Can we get back to the topic at hand?"

He didn't want to discuss the lack of decent coffee in this place and Strauss' hand in it.

"Which was?" Morgan asked, raising an eyebrow.

"The undead and who would be what," Reid supplied. "And we finished up with zombies."

"Ah."

"Well, Emily would actually make a good vampire," said JJ very matter-of-factly after a quick moment of thought.

"What's this about vampires?" Garcia asked, having just emerged from her 'lair'. "Do we have a case involving people on 'alternative lifestyles' again?"

"Really, Pretty Momma? 'Alternative lifestyles'?" Morgan asked with a raised eyebrow.

Garcia shrugged, "I'm being polite."

Morgan snorted. He didn't see the need to be polite about strange behaviour. Respectful to the victims and their families, sure but everything was open for teasing in his book. As long as he was out of earshot of Hotch.

"So," Garcia said, looking around expectantly at everyone. "What are you all talking about? I heard vampires, is Reid prepping for Halloween already?"

"Garcia, it's May," JJ pointed out.

"It's Reid," Garcia retorted.

Reid looked like he didn't know whether to be proud or insulted at those comments. He did decide to answer the question himself.

"No, not for lack of trying. Do you know how hard it is to get an authentic cauldron from the fifteenth century?"

Everyone shook their heads at his pout. Only Reid.

Redirecting the conversation back to its original topic, JJ replied, "We were talking about Emily would make an excellent vampire."

Garcia gave the woman in questionnaire thoughtful look.

"I can definitely see it."

"It's not exactly hard, hot stuff."

Garcia swatted Morgan's arm and scolded, "Not just her looks, though they are definitely en pointe," she assured Emily. "It's her demeanour and sultriness."

Reid spluttered as Emily looked quite satisfied at that description. It was really quite flattering.

"Sultriness?" Morgan queried.

"Vampires are stereotypically sexual beings," Reid explained exasperatedly.

"They just make them sexy on the big screen for the helplessness factor," Morgan dismissed with a head shake.

"Actually, their sensuality is very important. It's what they use to draw their prey in."

JJ shuddered at that.

"That makes them sound like an unsub," she explained. "Preying on people."

"For sexual sustenance," Reid added.

"Not helping," said JJ.

Reid shrugged and carried on, "I suppose it does fit Emily in many ways-"

"Oh?" Morgan asked, pouncing on an opportunity to tease.

"Well, yes. Pale, dark haired, sensual like Garcia said."

"Aversion to holy water," Emily decided to added to the list herself.

"Won't socialise unless invited," Rossi jibed.

Reid frowned at that.

"They need to be invited to enter a home-"

Emily elbowed him sharply so he didn't lecture Rossi on all the minute particularities of Vampires. It would spoil their fun.

"She's not antisocial," Reid argued.

"You really do cover all the main points of a vampire," said Garcia and then she clapped her hands. "Oh, I have a fantastic idea for a costume! You'll need a black-"

"It's May, sweet thing," Morgan reminded her.

Garcia pouted at him. Honestly, between her and Reid there would always be a bottom lip sticking out.

"I need fangs," Emily tough out loud. "What?" she demanded of the odd looks directed at her.

"Fangs, really, Em?" JJ asked disbelievingly.

"They'd be so cool and perfect for interrogations."

"I don't think Hotch would approve."

"I'd like to see his reaction to those glow-in-the dark-ones," said Rossi with an amused expression.

"It would be a race who murdered her first. Strauss or Hotch, " Morgan pointed out.

"I could take Strauss."

"Not Hotch."

Emily didn't disagree with him.

"So, Emily would be a vampire?" JJ asked them.

"An extremely good one," Rossi said decisively. "All the boxes are checked; looks, mannerisms, character."

"And she does like to suck at Pretty Boy's neck," Morgan teased.

Reid started stuttering and blushed violently. He thought they had been careful about that sort of thing!

The three agents watched their youngest co-worker apparently try and self-destruct, if the shades of red his face was turning was any indication. That particular shade of purple couldn't be healthy.

"That does make me want to bite him though," Emily told them quote seriously.

A squawking noise came from the back of Reid's throat.

"Are there any undead birds Reid could be?" asked Rossi with a grin.


	5. Soul Sucking

It took a while but Reid eventually returned to a normal colour and stop gibbering, much to the amusement of everyone else. It was always funny hearing the normally eloquent genius blather away unwittingly. Over a woman no less. The fact that it was Emily just made it even more funny.

"Has he reset himself?" Rossi asked, not looking up from his phone.

Emily poked Reid's cheek, he easily swatted her away with a faint blush still staining his cheeks.

"Yep, he's rebooted and no longer blue-screening," she announced with a smug look on her face.

Reid stuck his tongue out at her. She didn't play fair.

"I'll bite that," she threatened quite seriously.

"Oh, good God, enough," Morgan pleaded, looking slightly disgusted at the fact that she most certainly would if she had a mind to. "I can't stick it."

He did not need to hear this sort of thing from his best friends. Just, no. The man shuddered slightly.

"You can dish it out but you can take it, Morgan?" Reid teased.

"Enough, you two," JJ warned as Morgan opened his mouth to retort, glancing down the hall.

They couldn't exactly get away with this if Hotch suddenly appeared. This was definitely something he'd disapprove of and put a very firm stop to. Reid pouted at his blonde friend, annoyed that she'd interrupted him actually one-upping Morgan on the teasing front. That sort of opportunity didn't happen very often.

"Well, which of you remaining should we do next?" Emily asked, deciding to redirect the conversation back to the original point.

"Oh! Me next!" Garcia enthusiastically volunteered, waving her hand in the air. "What would I be?"

Reid opened his mouth then closed it again with a frown. Hmm, this was an interesting issue. Everyone gave their colourful tech analyst a thoughtful look, their faces screwed up in concentration. What creature of the undead could Garcia be? Nothing really immediately jumped up

"I don't care Agent Hotchner, you will make it happen or you will regret it."

Everyone's heads seemed to turn as one towards the stomping noise coming from the hall. It was Straus irritably talking _at_ a tired looking Hotch. Not that she ever did much else.

Rossi winced; he knew how that look felt. Extremely well. It was never followed by anything good with one Erin Strauss. He'd had to learn that the hard way. Multiple times.

"Not good," JJ breathed, biting on her lower lip.

"Especially since she said 'Agent Hotchner'," added Reid.

"He is so screwed," Emily muttered in agreement, eyes glued to the pair striding towards them.

Well, Strauss was gliding. Hotch looked like he was trying to keep up.

"Well, Agent Hotchner?"

"Yes ma'am," their boss replied, his tone weary and looking very zombie-like.

"I want the report on my desk Thursday," she said sharply.

"Yes ma'am."

Their section chief gave the man a last long look before announcing, "No excuses," before turning tail and clack-clacking her way back to her own office.

It wasn't until they heard a door snap shut that the team breathed a massive sigh of relief. Hotch shook his head at them and went into his own office without a word. Ouch. That was not a good sign.

"Oh, she's definitely a dementor," Garcia stated matter-of-factly.

Reid tilted his head in thought before nodding in agreement.

"She does fit into all of the criteria," he observed.

"Dementors?" scoffed Morgan. "Those things from the Harry Potter books? Come on, they're not real."

"And zombies and vampires are?" Emily demanded with a mockingly raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, but they've been around for decades, if not centuries," Morgan argued.

"So?"

"Technically they are only in one set of books," said JJ. "Not even the whole series at that."

"Don't tell the fandom that," Garcia advised her very seriously.

"And zombies and vampires have way more than that," Morgan said triumphantly.

"But dementors _are_ in literature," Reid pointed out. "Just like all the others we've been talking about."

"One set of books doesn't make them a part of literature."

"It does," Reid defended. "Everything has to start somewhere. At some point, vampires were just mentioned in one book."

"Children's books, though."

Reid shrugged, "Older kid's and young teen's books actually. And why does it matter? They're still in books. Still there for people to read."

Morgan rolled his eyes at Reid, knowing the younger agent was right but didn't want to say it out loud. He winced as Garcia poked him sharply in the ribs.

"You better not let me hear you say that the Harry Potter books are merely children's books again, Derek Morgan," she warned.

He raised his hands up in mock surrender.

"Alright," he acquiesced with a head shake.

"You have to admit that Straus would so be one," Emily said to him.

"True," Morgan reluctantly admitted. "She definitely sucks all the joy out the place. Good thing she can't touch our happy memories or I'm sure she'll have those too."

"You do know what dementors are! Though they suck souls, not happiness. The way they work is that they fill you with hopelessness and despair so you can't think of anything happy."

Morgan just gave him an exasperated look.

"Also, they freeze everything around them," Garcia helpfully added.

"I think Strauss can do that," Emily said seriously. "The temperature definitely drops when she enters."

No one disagreed with her.

"I don't think she can literally suck souls though," JJ told Reid. "I think happiness sucking is the next realistic thing."

"Rossi would know if she can suck souls," Emily said slyly, giving the man in question a pointed look.

Rossi rolled his eyes at how blunt she was. Honestly, didn't the woman know anything about subtly?

"Of all things, I've never known her to suck souls," he replied with a knowing look on his face.

His immediate reaction were disgusted looks and Emily actually made a gagging noise.

"Gross, man. I didn't need to know that," Morgan complained.


	6. Incorporeal Spirits

Everyone couldn't help but chuckle at the face that Morgan pulled, even though they were pretty disgusted themselves with the image Rossi gave them.

"I never told you anything," Rossi said airily.

"But you _inferred_ it," Reid told him.

"And what exactly did I infer?"

Reid spluttered something unintelligible before blushing violently. Rossi smirked at him and turned to the rest of the team with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, anyone else care to explain?"

That got him four heads stubbornly looking at anything but him. He smiled smugly.

JJ scrunched her nose up delicately, "You're disgusting."

"I still haven't said anything."

When we're they going to learn that their pouting disgruntled looks didn't affect him at all? Actually, he took a lot of delight in them.

"Can we get back to me?" Garcia demanded impatiently with a dramatic pout on her lips. "I would like to know my undead alter-ego."

"As would I, actually," JJ added with the distinct feeling that she was probably going to regret this but wanted to be included.

"I don't." Morgan said firmly before anyone could think of asking him.

"Spoilsport," Emily told him.

"He'd be incredibly sexy no matter how undead he was," Garcia informed them, linking arms with Morgan.

"Even without his muscles?" Red couldn't help but tease. "The undead rarely have muscles."

Garcia clutched at Morgan and gave him an appreciative but speculative look. He preened.

"Hmm."

She didn't say anything and gave the agent a thoughtful look.

"Oh, come on, Baby Girl," he whined persuasively.

"Your muscles are what pushes you over the line from 'sexy' to 'irresistible'," she said slowly with a guilty look on her face.

Emily and JJ snickered behind their hands as Reid rolled his eyes.

"But I'd still be a sexy undead guy, right?"

There was a long enough pause that his cajoling look turned to a pout.

"Baby girl!"

"Of course, you'd still be sexy, Gorgeous," Garcia replied in an attempt to appease him.

"You had to think about it," Morgan sulked.

"I was trying to imagine you with no muscles and I just couldn't," she admitted.

It was now Morgan's turn to get appraising and critical looks from everyone. He jokingly flexed his muscles.

"He'd still be nearly as broad and tall," Emily announced. "That's mostly down to your skeleton."

"Increasing your muscle mass changes your physique in those areas," Reid pointed out. "So, he might not be."

"I did get taller when I started packing on the pounds in high school," Morgan admitted.

"There is a lot of it there," said JJ, giving one of his arms a poke.

"Wonder what his ratio of muscle to bones is?" Emily asked teasingly, giving Reid a nudge.

"That doesn't even make sense," Reid complained.

"Of course, it does!"

"That's not what you would compare in this situation."

"Then what _would_ you compare?"

"You know I'm not a zoo animal or some sort of scientific specimen, right?" Morgan complained.

"No, you're just a very muscular skeleton," Emily teased, deliberately trailing her fingers across his shoulders. Morgan shoved her away and rolled his eyes.

"OK, so Morgan doesn't want to be a dead person," said JJ, trying to move things along.

"_Thank_ _you_."

"Yes, can we move on to me and JJ or, more importantly, me," said Garcia.

"Are any of them cheerful?" asked Emily. "Because that would be you."

"Being the undead isn't exactly a happy experience," Reid pointed out. "It's normally associated with eternal damnation or something like that."

"Can we tack on 'happy' to any of them for Garcia?" asked JJ, looking around everyone for confirmation. "That could work?"

The expression on Reid's face said otherwise. Everyone could almost hear him think, "That's not how it's _supposed_ to work."

"Just pretend," Emily advised him. The pout turned to a frown which was much more manageable.

"We haven't even touched on incorporeal spirits," he told them. "We've only used what would be called 'Living Corpses'."

JJ shuddered and pulled a face. "That _term_."

"We use the term 'corpse' practically every day," Morgan said, amused.

The blonde stuck her tongue out at him. "Exactly, I associate it with mutilated bodies."

"You mentioned Incorporeal Spirits before," Garcia remembered. "That's what ghosts and stuff come under, right?"

"Exactly," Reid agreed, nodding. "Most popular ones would be ghosts, poltergeists, banshees and the Grim Reaper."

"The Grim Reaper?" JJ questioned with a frown.

"Yes, the skeleton that welcomes and brings you to the unspecified afterlife."

JJ gave her best friend a look.

"I know what the Grim Reaper is, Spence."

"Unspecified afterlife?" Morgan repeated. "I thought he brought you to Hell?"

Spencer shook his head and lectured, "The Grim Reaper doesn't belong to a religion, it's more a personification of Western ideas of Death. Although in some texts, the Grim Reaper does punish the souls he collects."

"How is the Grim Reaper an 'Incorporeal Spirit' anyway?" Morgan demanded. "He's a skeleton. Hardly like a ghost."

That question actually stumped Spencer for a moment.

"I don't think the Grim Reaper is ever described as being solid," he said slowly. "Just a personification so he probably is incorporeal. Media just likes portraying him as a skeleton."

"It's pretty cool looking."

"Like a hologram or something?" Garcia asked, ignoring Emily's comment.

"Probably, I'd have to research it more to be sure."

That got everyone's eyes rolling. Trust Spencer Reid to make a research topic out of the Grim Reaper of all things.

"I thought you knew everything to do with Halloween, Kid," Morgan teased, digging him in the ribs.

Spencer yelped and leapt back, clutching at his sides protectively. He _hated_ when Morgan did that. He glared at the older agent as he rubbed the assaulted areas. It just made the man chuckle at him.

"Soo, poltergeists," JJ commented deciding it was best to move the conversation along. "They're the mischievous spirits, right?"

"Wasn't there a poltergeist in the Harry Potter series?" Garcia asked. "Loved playing pranks and causing chaos and all that."

"Peeves," Emily managed to answer before Spencer. "Even the ghosts complained about his antics."

"Sounds like several agents I know," Rossi said, pointedly looking at Morgan and Spencer.


	7. Pranking Poltergeists

**AN: I honestly didn't realise how ridiculous this had gotten. Hope you're all still enjoying it!**

"Well, at least we found something that Morgan could be," Emily said cheekily.

"Poltergeist does fit perfectly," JJ added, throwing in a grin of her own.

Morgan good-naturedly rolled his eyes at the duo, replying, "I don't pull pranks all the time. Only against Reid, obviously. And sometimes Prentiss. And they usually start it."

That got him nearly identical shouts of outrage.

"I'm the one who retaliates at _least_ seventy-three per cent of the time!" Reid protested.

"Yeah, yeah," Morgan said dismissively.

"I honestly thought it would be more," Rossi told them.

"Pretty Boy's not exactly innocent!"

"When have I ever started it?" Emily demanded, hands shooting to her hips.

"Obviously not," Reid retorted. "I said you were responsible for starting seventy-three per cent of the prank wars. That implies that I start then, at most, twenty-seven of them."

"At most?"

"Emily has started two of them to my knowledge but probably more and that's not even counting the handful that I'm convinced the rest of this team has started."

At this point Reid looked around the team with some suspicion. Everyone gave him an innocent look in return. Well, except for Morgan and Emily who were both frowning.

"Hel-_lo_," Emily said pointedly, her question still unanswered.

"How come that doesn't knock my numbers down?" Morgan demanded.

"Really, Morgan?"

"Shh, Rossi, I'm trying to get Pretty Boy here to explain his math."

"Because obviously, I haven't done as much as you."

"Wait a damn second, you-"

"_Hey_!" Emily exclaimed, finally getting Morgan and Spencer to stop bickering.

They turned to look at her. Her fists rested on her hips in a vaguely threatening manner. She faltered slightly when she realised all attention was on her but she masterfully regained it.

"I would like to know what prank wars you think _I've_ started," she demanded.

"Oh, stop playing innocent, Princess," Morgan instructed with an eye roll.

"It's not playing if I didn't do anything."

"But that's a lie," Reid piped up. "You definitely started the one that ended up with me greasing all of Morgan's drawer handles."

"That was nasty," Morgan informed the group with a look of disgust and absent-mindedly rubbing his hands together like he could still feel the stickiness.

"Why do you even carry Vaseline around with you anyway?" JJ asked Spencer.

"It's good for chapped lips. I'm not allergic to it," Reid explained. "And it doesn't taste as weird as Chapstick."

"It takes an age to clean off," Morgan complained.

"That was the whole point. Hence the reason why I won."

Morgan grumbled, what Spencer said was true - much to his disgust. He'd had to throw in the towel because there was no way he was going on before cleaning that gunk off. He shuddered in remembrance of how long that particular activity took. It was just criminal of Spencer to use it. It had been banned from the office after that because it had inexplicably got itself on a number of other surfaces that Spencer swore he hadn't touched.

"I didn't mean to start a whole war over that," she complained.

"Well, you did and we all had to pay for it," JJ said matter-of-factly.

"_You_ escaped to your office if I remember correctly," Rossi told her, remembering that the blonde had all but ran up to her office and promptly slammed the door shut.

Spencer nodded in agreement, "She did, with the threat of bodily harm if we ever went in."

JJ just pulled a face and rolled her eyes but didn't disagree. You needed a safe place when the pranks started coming.

"None of us dared to go near you when you shouted like that," Morgan added, it had been rather terrifying.

"Kind of like a banshee," Emily quipped.

"I am _not_ a banshee," JJ said vehemently.

"In lore, banshees are actually fairy women who heralds the death of a family member by keening or shrieking," Reid explained. They all looked at him expectantly. "So, JJ wouldn't be one."

"I think she would have killed _us_ if we even hinted at involving her," Morgan muttered.

JJ didn't deny it and smiled viciously at them.

"Does a werewolf count as the undead?" Rossi asked. "Because that was a wolfish grin."

"I'm pretty sure the whole point of a werewolf is that they don't get killed when they're bitten," Morgan pointed out. "Kind of the opposite of the undead."

"She could be a shadow person," Reid piped up. "A lot of her work was done in the background, from the side-lines, the 'shadows' so to speak."

"That sounds pretty cool," said JJ, looking intrigued. "What else can a shadow person do?"

Reid shrugged, "It's a fairly recent phenomenon in popular folklore thanks to late night radio talk shows, particularly '_Coast to Coast AM_' who encouraged people to submit drawings of shadow people they had seen."

"But what do they do?" JJ asked impatiently.

"They're described as menacing, but nobody agrees whether they are either evil, helpful, or neutral, and some even speculate that shadow people may be the extra-dimensional inhabitants of another universe," Spencer eagerly shared.

"So cool," Garcia breathed.

"How come JJ gets to be something cool and spooky," Morgan complained, his voice bordering a whine.

"She's just cooler than you," Emily teased.

"So, are we agreeing that Morgan would make an excellent poltergeist?" JJ asked, shooting the man a look of smug satisfaction.

He rolled his eyes at her and complained, "There's no way I'm the only one being labelled a poltergeist."

"Okay then, both you _and_ Reid would make good poltergeists."

Morgan looked somewhat mollified at that pronouncement. At least he wasn't the only one being something daft. Speaking of being something daft-

"Aren't you even the littlest bit peeved at this?" Morgan demanded from Reid; the man hadn't exactly complained about any of this.

The man shrugged. "I would prefer to be a poltergeist than a zombie. At least poltergeists are intelligent. And are actually _aware_, unlike zombies."

Morgan shook his head in disbelief. Garcia patted him on the arm.

"At least you get a cool hat," she tried to reassure him.

Strangely enough, that didn't exactly help matters. Especially since everyone started laughing. Except for Reid who was trying to argue that poltergeists didn't come with hats, that was just Peeves.


	8. Friendly Ghosts

"Can we finally get onto me?" Garcia demanded as the ribbing directed at Morgan eventually down. "I've been waiting very patiently for this. What fabulous undead being could I be?"

"Hardly patiently if you've been asking about it every chance you get," Emily pointed out with a raised eyebrow.

"Pish," Garcia said, waving her hands making all her bracelets jangle. "It is very important."

"You just feel left out," JJ stated.

Garcia pouted. "Yes."

"I really can't imagine you as something like a zombie or a vampire," Morgan admitted.

"Not cheerful enough," Spencer agreed.

"What about a friendly ghost?" Rossi suggested, finally getting a chance to voice the theory he had been mulling over.

"Like Casper?" JJ asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Exactly!" the Italian agreed. "There's nothing else she really could be."

"Casper is all sorts of adorable and fantastic," Garcia said, mulling it over before smiling brightly. "It would be great to be a ghost like him."

"If you were a ghost, I couldn't do things like this," Morgan said in a flirty tone as he draped an arm around her should and trailed his fingers down her arm.

She smirked at him a pretend to swoon.

"I wouldn't ever want to miss that," she flirted back. "Ok, no ghosts or undead for me. Unless it's taking possession of my precious computers."

"You already do that without being a spirit," JJ reminded her.

"Haunting computers is definitely something a ghost-Garcia would do," Reid said.

"True, much more fun than haunting buildings" the colourful woman agreed.

A door suddenly opened with a loud 'SLAM' making them all jump. Six pairs of eyes followed Hotch as he stormed out of his office and strode down the corridor. They all winced at the expression on his face. It was like thunder. Actually, thunder would be scared of it.

"Strauss," Emily stated, everyone nodding their heads in agreement.

Only one person could put that look on his face. Impressive that she managed to do that without being in the same room as him.

"Did any of us do anything?" Emily immediately asked, automatically looking around for an escape route.

"I don't think so," Rossi replied in an amused tone. This lot always reacted like misbehaving schoolchildren when Strauss got involved. Unfortunately, it was not exactly appropriate for federal agents and only more likely to infuriate Strauss more.

Still amusing to watch.

"We never said what Hotch could be," Reid pointed out.

"I'm not convinced he's not already 'the undead'," Emily replied, raising her hands in inverted commas.

"Really, Emily?"

"Come on, Jayge," Emily said to her naturally blonde friend. "The man doesn't sleep, barely shows emotions and hasn't changed his appearance in the five years I've been here. How is that not the definition of a supernatural being?"

JJ just rolled her eyes at her but Reid looked thoughtful.

"I was joking," Emily felt the urge to tell him.

He shot her an annoyed look, "I know that but you have to admit that those traits you just listed do fulfil all the requirements of a supernatural being."

"There are requirements to be a supernatural being?" JJ asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, yes," Spencer replied, looking quite put out. "Of course, there is."

"Of course, there is," Emily mocked, only to get a glare from Reid.

"Hotch seemingly does fit a lot of the requirements," Reid said, ignoring the black-haired agent. "Doesn't appear to sleep, can get obsessive over things he deems as a threat to what's his, can be terrifying-"

"And literally looks like death," Morgan threw in.

"Don't think that counts as a supernatural trait unless you're counting vampires."

They ignored JJ'S sensible addition as Emily eagerly added, "He literally gets rid of all that gets in his way."

"Strikes fear in the unsuspecting," Rossi chipped in with a pleased grin.

JJ shot him a look that said 'you are meant to be the responsible one here, don't encourage them'. Rossi just shrugged at her with a sheepish grin. It was just too fun to pass up.

"You've basically described him as the Grim Reaper without the cloak and scythe," JJ pointed out.

"His signature suit could be a modern version of the cloak," Emily suggested.

"True."

"Would a gun or his legal know-how count as is scythe?" Morgan wondered.

"Depends on what strikes people down more easily," Emily responded quite seriously.

"That could be either depending on the situation," Spencer pointed out.

"Let's _not_ use the word 'Reaper' in conjunction with Hotch," Rossi suggested, pulling a face.

That got very vigorous nodding from all of them. Nothing good ever came out of mentioning that particular man.

"Now, the most important question," Garcia announced dramatically.

They all turned to look at her. She stayed silent to increase the dramatic effect.

"Well?" Emily demanded, having no use for it.

"Do you think we could dress up like our 'Undead' for Halloween?"

"The more important question is 'Where can we get Morgan a poltergeist hat'?"

Morgan glared at Emily.

"I am not being a poltergeist!"

"Peeves wore a jester's hat in the movies," Spencer suggested.

"Oh, that would work! I know a guy who has this costume shop-" Garcia babbled.

"No," Morgan said bluntly, crossing his arms.

"He's just scared that Reid will pull of being a poltergeist better than him," Emily stated.

Spencer looked at her, an alarmed expression on his face.

"Wait, I didn't -"

"There's no way Reid can do it better!" Morgan protested.

"Prove it!" Emily challenged.

"I will!"

"Good."

"Good!"

With that, the two agents split ways to return to their desks, Emily dragging Spencer with her.

JJ followed Spencer with her eyes.

"Do you think we should rescue him?"

Garcia immediately shook her head.

"Oh no, I want to see what my precious Baby Genius and gorgeous Chocolate Thunder come up with for poltergeists."

"Technically, it would be what Emily came up with," JJ pointed out.

"Either way, I still get good pictures," Garcia said with a shrug the leaned towards the blonde. "Now, how are you going to pull off 'shadow person'? I'm going for a sparkly and possibly bejewelled sheet for my ghost..."


End file.
